29 Days

My time is coming soon...

I'm going on a mission to Chile for my church. I am looking forward to it so much. I wish it was next week, except I want to see my brother, so I'll wait.

I feel like I'm becoming more and more out of place at where I live. No matter where I am, it doesn't feel like I belong. I am happy and grateful to be where I'm at. And surely these feelings are pressing upon me because of my mentality that I must leave. Mormon culture and everything is taking its toll on me; no nineteen year-old should be in an environment where everyone knows him. He should be in a far off place slaving away at missionary work. Kindof silly, but that is the sentiment held by the common uptight Mormon (which is most of us, I think). I really do feel deeply honored by this opportunity. This is the only chance I'll get in my lifetime to commit my passion to preaching the gospel. After this I'll be so infatuated with a wifey and making babies that I won't care about anything else (pardon my, um... french). At this point I can't really be as excited as I wish to be. The missionary life is almost completely unknown to me, and I have no clue what to expect for where I'll be. Sometimes I worry about it. But I think I need to realize that once I get there, I won't have too much of a problem of gettin' excited and serious and all about missionarying.
The main thing is that I would like to grow up as well, even though one part of me doesn't really want to. But it's just one part, so whatev. I've gotten back from school, and ever since, I've been around people that are older than me, and a lot younger than me. I'm an in-between kid. I have a hard time not interfering whenever they're up to mischief. It seems that if I do nothing the parents of the little ones discipline for minor things. If I interfere for the same reason of action, the parents correct me. It's a protection thing that's part of it. But also, I just don't understand how their family does things. I also don't understand what they talk about either. I mean, I know enough to make (what is to me) a smart sounding remark. But either they've heard it before, and it strikes no interest to them, or my remark just wasn't accurate or true enough to mean anything. I really like to talk, and hate to be left out. But I find that I need to listen more often and say less. This whole thing has been a bit of a growing experience. I feel pressured not to say anything in front of them, because often times I discover that I don't know about what I'm saying. But the problem is we all speak of things we know only two bits about. There may be things that we know a good handful of, but mostly not. Then when someone who knows two bits more than we do encounters us, we feel stupid, so we silently vow never to speak of something unless we know a lot about it.
Really, though, the problem lies in us not wanting to feel dumb. But that's ridiculous. We spend our whole lives being stupid and feeling dumb. People can fight against it as long as they can, but they can't escape it. Trying not to feel dumb is like trying to dodge something a person with an accurate arm is throwing at them. We desire so much to not get hit, but there is an underlying thought that says "you're gonna get nailed." And then we do. And then we feel silly for feeling so weak and helpless. Some feel that deep thought to be the part of us that tries to tear us down. While it certainly can tear us down if we choose to use it that way, I think it is truly a tool that, if used properly, can be a most reliable asset. The voice isn't attempting to tear us down, it's telling us what really is. It's natural for us to want to conceal our weaknesses. But we're building on a lie if we hide from that truth. We're nothing, and we will always be nothing while we're in a sack of fluid in this life. And even though that fact shouldn't bother us, at least we're together in a world with a bunch of other nothings.
I've spent too long talking about this. I want to go do some other things, but I'll finish up by saying that it's alright to feel dumb. In fact, it's the greatest thing in the world sometimes, because that's when we can learn the most. That's when the truth is staring us right in the face, telling us, you don't know that, you can't do that, you're incapable. At that moment we must suppress the anger that tries to surmount and explode at that truth, which often comes in the form of other annoying people. Once we do, we then must utter the words that every person needs to say every moment of his life.
Teach me. Please.



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